Cain vs. Able 2 of 2

Gaysha’s Definition of a Closeted Man: A man who, 1) in his own heart believes he may be attracted to men, but has never acted on it, or if he has, it has been few and far between, and 2) who intends to live his life as a heterosexual, for whatever reasons (i.e. religious, family etc, etc.)

Closeted men and DL men are comparable to African Americans and Asians, both groups are minorities but the similarities and bonds end there. Until I was about 21 years old, I mentally trained myself to never look another man in the eye for more than a few seconds. I firmly believed that the eyes were the windows to the soul and I was terrified as to what another man might see.

All my life I knew I was different; by high school and college, I knew what that difference was. With this knowledge came a determination not to yield to temptation. If that meant fasting and praying and praying and fasting some more, than that was what I was committed to doing. This belief resulted in my organizing midnight prayers/bible studies in college, studying abroad in Africa so I would not be tempted and eventually moving out of Atlanta. I wanted so very desperately to be straight.

Unfortunately or fortunately, my steadfast determination proved to be the weaker of the opponents. However, almost systematically after giving in to temptation, I would retreat to days and weeks of self-hatred, culminating in serious contemplation of suicide, subconsciously thinking that if I was going to go to Hell for being gay, I was going to go on my own terms.

Even more elaborate than my suicidal thoughts were my preplanned funeral preparations. I imagined ticket scalpers and lines of people standing outside the church trying to get in, with a horse-drawn carriage waiting nearby for my funeral march to the graveyard. Inside the church, Kelly Price would be singing in the choir, bringing people to tears; nurses in white dresses and matching hats would be overwhelmed, frantically trying to revive the dozens and dozens of friends and family whose grief had overtaken them and caused them to lose consciousness. In my mind’s eye, the apex of the service would be when my mother, draped in black, would finally stand to her feet and scream, “If only he had told me, we love da gays”. But I digress.

The point I am trying to make, hopefully with a little humor, is that the life of the closeted gay man is often filled with self-tortured and misery; he is picked on in his youth for being different, he does his best for the next 20 years to be what society, friends and family expect of him. This desire to be normal, to fit in, to end the mounting speculation that intensifies with every additional bachelor year often drives him to a loveless marriage, normally to a less attractive woman who is willing to overlook his “walk” or "hand gestures". Unfortunately, often to the dismay of wives and children, these men come to the truth that everyone must eventually learn in order to be happy – that we are all perfect in God’s eyes and it is up to us to live in the light or be smothered to death by the dark.

These men are not deceitful, these men are confused. A confusion that is normally easily visible if one takes the time to look with a selfless eye. These men are on a journey of self discovery. Unfortunately, they will make mistakes along the way. Nevertheless, these men are deserving of our compassion, acceptance, patience and love. They are not DL men, although they are often forced to share the same lot.