Do you remember the days when email first started and everybody was sending chains email, constantly? Thankfully, today's office worker has a little more discretion and is a lot more thoughtful with what they forward (exception: Baby Boomer Generation. Baby boomers (i.e aunts, older cousins, yo mama's friends, yo mama) are still sending EVERY single email that any Tom, Dick or Harry sends them regardless of content (i.e. prayer chains, baby pics of people's kids you don't know, prayer request for people you thought were already dead, letters from long lost Nigerian relatives, angel wings etc. etc.) Nevertheless, I was going through some old emails and came across one of my favorites and decided to share it with you. It's an oldie but goody. Hope you enjoy.
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thieves In The Temple
Many of you have requested that I update my “Your Man Might Be Gay list”. I have heard your pleas. Unfortunately, I don’t have time tonight to compile a full list. Also, I don’t want to feed even more into some of yawls’ already illogical paranoia that all men are gay. Trust me, they are not; gays are still very much the minority and we are treated as such. The following is just another salient warning sign; one in which I failed to mention in my first post. Please remember that my listings are just mere yellow caution signs on the highway of love, not stop signs (yellow does not mean stop; it just means proceed with your wits about yourself, listen, observe, follow your instinct). Also keep in mind that homosexuality is not a formula, I am just writing about trends and characteristics that I have noticed over the years.
Numero Uno of the Caution Signs
Dow low black men use Jesus as a lifestyle cover even more than they use White women. Don’t get mad at me, I didn’t make the rule; I’m just the lowly messenger. Come on people, think about it. I’m not saying that this applies to everyone, but for a lot of black men under 50, the Black Church is just a gay club for the less attractive, socially awkward, fat boys of the gay community (for those over 50, it’s a neighborhood senior center). It’s almost like churches subliminally advertise that “If you don’t feel comfortable dancing shirtless under a multicolored strobe light and disco ball, come to New Birth, University Park, West Angeles, Emmanuel, Greater Allen A.M.E., Lakewood, World Changes, CCC, Metropolitan, Trinity, Potter’s House etc and get your dance on.”
There is only one Black church that doesn’t have gays….drum roll please…….Jehovah Witness. You may hear a gay boy say that he was raised JW, but you never hear one say that they are JW. Why you ask? Because JW churches don’t have choirs and they only sing songs from the most drab hymn book known to man. No organ, No Keyboard, No drums, No choir, NO SOLO, NO GAYS.
What do you think?
Numero Uno of the Caution Signs
Dow low black men use Jesus as a lifestyle cover even more than they use White women. Don’t get mad at me, I didn’t make the rule; I’m just the lowly messenger. Come on people, think about it. I’m not saying that this applies to everyone, but for a lot of black men under 50, the Black Church is just a gay club for the less attractive, socially awkward, fat boys of the gay community (for those over 50, it’s a neighborhood senior center). It’s almost like churches subliminally advertise that “If you don’t feel comfortable dancing shirtless under a multicolored strobe light and disco ball, come to New Birth, University Park, West Angeles, Emmanuel, Greater Allen A.M.E., Lakewood, World Changes, CCC, Metropolitan, Trinity, Potter’s House etc and get your dance on.”
There is only one Black church that doesn’t have gays….drum roll please…….Jehovah Witness. You may hear a gay boy say that he was raised JW, but you never hear one say that they are JW. Why you ask? Because JW churches don’t have choirs and they only sing songs from the most drab hymn book known to man. No organ, No Keyboard, No drums, No choir, NO SOLO, NO GAYS.
What do you think?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Blindside
For some reason after reading a few of my earlier post, some of my readers got the crazy idea that I might be lonely and looking for a “boo.” I am still not quite sure what I may have written that would have given so many of you that impression (eye roll). Nevertheless, I am somewhat grateful that this miscommunication took place. As a result of this unintentional subliminal message (that I am the Dorothy Zbornak of my social circle), I have been set up on not one, not two but 3 blind dates. All of which I went out on this past week.
The problem of being single, over 30 and admittedly open to being “fixed up” is that married people, straight and same-sex-loving alike, have what I call a “Mikey Syndrome.” They feel like as long as you are single above a certain age, any single “Joe the Plummer” will do; as if the longer you are single the duller your five senses become (i.e. give it to Mikey, he’ll eat/date anyone). SOOOOO NOT TRUE.
It’s kinda like when you are the only Black guy or girl in your office and all your married White and Asian “office BFFs” want to hook you up with the only other Black in their husband’s or wife’s office. For weeks they pump you up. You are apprehensive at first, but eventually their excitement and enthusiasm finally penetrate your iron clad exterior and you start to think to yourself, “maybe this is my happy ending, it happens to white women, why not me.” Like a true fool, you decide, against ALL BETTER JUDGMENT, to go on the date. Needless to say... Big Mistake. You quickly realize, before the first needed drink is served, that the only thing you and “Joe the other Black Plummer” have in common is that you are both over 30 and the only single Blacks in your respective offices. Let the drinking commence.
I use this common dating experience to give you some type of mental image of what I experienced on my 1st blog blind date. In that the person who hooked me up may be reading this, I will be nice and brief and spare you the intimate details. What I will share with you is the lesson I learned from the date, because isn’t that what life is all about, learning lessons.....What I learned is that, “In order for a blind date to be successful, one or both parties at a minimum needs to actually be blind.”
Even though this particular date wasn’t a success, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that “Dating is a Numbers Game” the more you date the more likely you are to find what you are looking for. Better luck next time.
The problem of being single, over 30 and admittedly open to being “fixed up” is that married people, straight and same-sex-loving alike, have what I call a “Mikey Syndrome.” They feel like as long as you are single above a certain age, any single “Joe the Plummer” will do; as if the longer you are single the duller your five senses become (i.e. give it to Mikey, he’ll eat/date anyone). SOOOOO NOT TRUE.
It’s kinda like when you are the only Black guy or girl in your office and all your married White and Asian “office BFFs” want to hook you up with the only other Black in their husband’s or wife’s office. For weeks they pump you up. You are apprehensive at first, but eventually their excitement and enthusiasm finally penetrate your iron clad exterior and you start to think to yourself, “maybe this is my happy ending, it happens to white women, why not me.” Like a true fool, you decide, against ALL BETTER JUDGMENT, to go on the date. Needless to say... Big Mistake. You quickly realize, before the first needed drink is served, that the only thing you and “Joe the other Black Plummer” have in common is that you are both over 30 and the only single Blacks in your respective offices. Let the drinking commence.
I use this common dating experience to give you some type of mental image of what I experienced on my 1st blog blind date. In that the person who hooked me up may be reading this, I will be nice and brief and spare you the intimate details. What I will share with you is the lesson I learned from the date, because isn’t that what life is all about, learning lessons.....What I learned is that, “In order for a blind date to be successful, one or both parties at a minimum needs to actually be blind.”
Even though this particular date wasn’t a success, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that “Dating is a Numbers Game” the more you date the more likely you are to find what you are looking for. Better luck next time.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Nobody Can Be Trusted v. Everybody Can Be Trusted Part 2 or 2
I would like to begin this post by sincerely thanking each of you for supporting my blog. Blog traffic lets me know that you have read the post but I really need your comments to get a sense of who my readers are. I am aware that posting comment s on this particular site is difficult, but please try. It is my hope to make this blog an interactive dialogue about life, love, children, relationships, dating, divorce and legal advice (I have a law degree so if you have a legal question feel free to post a comment and I will respond).
I am glad to see that my last post about trust sparked many readers’ interest. One point of contention surrounded Freda’s directly questioning her date regarding his sexuality. Some of you felt that Freda’s question was A-OK, especially in the current dating environment where one can never be too sure. As one reader put it, “why waste your time, get it out in the open, if Freda is anything like me, I don’t have time for a man with, as you put it, a “vagina allergy”, signed Alone but not Lonely. This line of thinking is very monolithic. This reader is assuming that her date thinks like she does. If that were true, and he was straight forward and didn’t want to waste time, he likely would not be on the date. Secondly, the reader is assuming that the date has the same views and labeling standards on sexuality as her, THIS IS A COMMON MISTAKE AMONGST WOMEN (I will talk about this in another post). Finally, the reader hasn’t established a level of trust with her date that would make her date feel comfortable sharing such an intimate detail (re-read Truth Begets Truth).
Trust me on this, when you are first getting to know someone, you don’t want that person to know your every stance, especially when it comes to touchy subjects like sexuality, student loans/debt, STDs etc. Why you ask? Because you don’t want to force a date to be untruthful, especially during the evaluation period. When a date, especially a man, lies in the evaluation period, they will do everything in their power to keep it a secret for the duration of your relationship or their LIFE. Therefore, if you ask a direct question during this period and your date lies, he or she will for as long as humanly possible, try to hide the real truth (kinda like you did when you got your first weave, or green/blue/hazel contacts).
So you ask, how should Freda have dealt with the situation. To begin, Freda should have never raised the issue of homosexuality. Dating is a process; time will normally reveal everything you need to know in order to make a proper decision regarding compatibility. But you say “I don’t have time to waste, you can’t make babies with powdered eggs (shout-out to Maurice Jamal’s Movie Dirty Laundry). Unfortunately, getting to know someone (i.e. dating) is a marathon and not a sprint, you can’t cut corners; if you don’t have the energy to date, take a break (just not too long, if you notice a beard coming in, get back in the game).
The next step is a little tricky, it requires playing a little bit of a game, but unfortunately this is a part of dating after 30. When touchy topics arise (i.e. sexuality, anal sex (if that is not your thang), oral sex (which should be your thang by this age), threesomes, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends etc), don’t be so quick to show your hand. For example, your date starts questioning you about your sexual fantasies by saying “have you ever blah, blah, blah….(ALL FREAKS (i.e. men) will do this eventually in order to find out your freak level). Instead of saying HELL To Da Naa. You can say, “naa (without tone), I haven’t yet, but the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice. He doesn’t have to know that in your mind you are thinking, “thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever try it.” By being open, you allow him to be open. And this is when you find out his truth (listen and believe).
Again this post is getting to long….I will stop here….I may or may not pick it back up depending on your comments.
I am glad to see that my last post about trust sparked many readers’ interest. One point of contention surrounded Freda’s directly questioning her date regarding his sexuality. Some of you felt that Freda’s question was A-OK, especially in the current dating environment where one can never be too sure. As one reader put it, “why waste your time, get it out in the open, if Freda is anything like me, I don’t have time for a man with, as you put it, a “vagina allergy”, signed Alone but not Lonely. This line of thinking is very monolithic. This reader is assuming that her date thinks like she does. If that were true, and he was straight forward and didn’t want to waste time, he likely would not be on the date. Secondly, the reader is assuming that the date has the same views and labeling standards on sexuality as her, THIS IS A COMMON MISTAKE AMONGST WOMEN (I will talk about this in another post). Finally, the reader hasn’t established a level of trust with her date that would make her date feel comfortable sharing such an intimate detail (re-read Truth Begets Truth).
Trust me on this, when you are first getting to know someone, you don’t want that person to know your every stance, especially when it comes to touchy subjects like sexuality, student loans/debt, STDs etc. Why you ask? Because you don’t want to force a date to be untruthful, especially during the evaluation period. When a date, especially a man, lies in the evaluation period, they will do everything in their power to keep it a secret for the duration of your relationship or their LIFE. Therefore, if you ask a direct question during this period and your date lies, he or she will for as long as humanly possible, try to hide the real truth (kinda like you did when you got your first weave, or green/blue/hazel contacts).
So you ask, how should Freda have dealt with the situation. To begin, Freda should have never raised the issue of homosexuality. Dating is a process; time will normally reveal everything you need to know in order to make a proper decision regarding compatibility. But you say “I don’t have time to waste, you can’t make babies with powdered eggs (shout-out to Maurice Jamal’s Movie Dirty Laundry). Unfortunately, getting to know someone (i.e. dating) is a marathon and not a sprint, you can’t cut corners; if you don’t have the energy to date, take a break (just not too long, if you notice a beard coming in, get back in the game).
The next step is a little tricky, it requires playing a little bit of a game, but unfortunately this is a part of dating after 30. When touchy topics arise (i.e. sexuality, anal sex (if that is not your thang), oral sex (which should be your thang by this age), threesomes, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends etc), don’t be so quick to show your hand. For example, your date starts questioning you about your sexual fantasies by saying “have you ever blah, blah, blah….(ALL FREAKS (i.e. men) will do this eventually in order to find out your freak level). Instead of saying HELL To Da Naa. You can say, “naa (without tone), I haven’t yet, but the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice. He doesn’t have to know that in your mind you are thinking, “thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever try it.” By being open, you allow him to be open. And this is when you find out his truth (listen and believe).
Again this post is getting to long….I will stop here….I may or may not pick it back up depending on your comments.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Nobody Can Be Trusted v. Everybody Can Be Trusted Part 1 or 2
As expected my last post has spark a lively debate. Several of my readers have sent emails via facebook asking for relationship advice. When creating this blog I envisioned it as an opportunity to creatively express my personal dating frustrations and triumphs as well as a bootleg way for me to become an Oprah to my friends and hopefully one day an Oracle to the world. So let me begin by telling my trusting pioneering guinea pigs, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with your, for lack of a better word, endless drama. I hope that my words can be of some service.
At first glance, the situations presented in my guinea pigs' emails seemed to be unique and to vary from person to person. However after closer inspection, I quickly realized the common denominator, the unspoken theme of each email was a simple question of "trust". And whenever we are talking about trust, we are simultaneously talking about trust's evil twin sister, deceit.
Evaluation Period
I would like to begin by dispelling the common myth, promulgated by members of the "broken heart club", that "nobody can be trusted." The reality is that Everybody Can Be Trusted; Trusted with What is the Question! When you think nobody is trustworthy, you don't allow yourself the opportunity to truly evaluate a person, during what I call the "evaluation period". Lack of valuation is dangerous because no matter what you believe, or how strong you think you are, you can't always be on guard; everyone will eventually have to trust somebody. (Who you trust and what you trust them with will often determine your happiness). By making a proper evaluation during the "evaluation period" you will be better equipped to make the right decision during crunch time, or when you heart is invested or when you are thinking with that portion of your body below the Mason-Dixon line.
Making a Proper Evaluation/Judgment Free Zone
Trust or Deceit begins at inception. In order to make a proper evaluation, you must first "get to know a person." This sounds a lot easier than it is in practice and nobody can fuck up the getting to know process like a SISTA. This is one area in which Black women can stand to learn a thing or two from their Caucasian sisters across the aisle. Getting to know someone means creating a judgment free zone, when you first meet a person. Restated, at the onset of dating, you must create an atmosphere that allows a person the freedom to show you who they truly are without fear of judgment (i.e. without eye rolling, neck popping, finger wagging, or frowning). Sistas, just because you ask 15 questions doesn't mean you will get 15 answers.
I will use one of my reader's questions to illustrate the point of creating a judgment free zone as opposed to creating a barrier or box. This reader, we will call her Freda, resides in Atlanta, GA were there are more gays than peaches. Freda was on her second date with a 31 year old African American semi-executive (i.e. he thinks he is an executive, and we are not going to argue with him about it). Because Freda had a previous experience with unknowingly dating a down low brotha, she decided to take the bull by the horn and ask her date directly if he had ever been with a man. The date replied "no" and asked Freda what would make her ask him such a question and Freda explained her past experiences.
Asking such a confrontational direct question, is a big no-n0. In order to create a judgment free zone, the other party must feel free to express themselves without judgment or punishment. By Freda asking the question, she has established that she doesn't want to deal with a man who has been with other men, which though may be true, does nothing in helping Freda get the real answers she wants. (Ladies stay with me, I know I lost a few of you). In the dating game, when you set up a barrier, AND the other person remotely likes you or at least doesn't want to be confrontational or embarrassed, he or she will try to live in the box you create (at least until they sleep with you or find out that you are even more fuck up then they are). So it is not that Freda's date will tell her the truth, he will just spend more time trying to hide HIS TRUTH because he now knows with certainty that showing who he may be will equal immediate rejection.
Another reader (this one is male so lets call him Dave) was on a second or third date when the dreaded topic of "threesome" reared it's ugly head. Dave quickly told his date that he was not down with nor would he everrrrrr be down with a threesome, especially with someone he was in love with. The date agreed and said threesomes were not his thang either (thinking to myself, then why did he bring it up). The problem here is that Dave created a barrier/box before finding out what his date really thought, thus giving Dave's date the upperhand. Dave's date now knows how both he and Dave feel, Dave only knows how Dave feels. Dave's date knew that anything less than total agreement would end the date (i.e. his chances to get in dem cakes (lol, gay lingo for panties).
At first glance, the situations presented in my guinea pigs' emails seemed to be unique and to vary from person to person. However after closer inspection, I quickly realized the common denominator, the unspoken theme of each email was a simple question of "trust". And whenever we are talking about trust, we are simultaneously talking about trust's evil twin sister, deceit.
Evaluation Period
I would like to begin by dispelling the common myth, promulgated by members of the "broken heart club", that "nobody can be trusted." The reality is that Everybody Can Be Trusted; Trusted with What is the Question! When you think nobody is trustworthy, you don't allow yourself the opportunity to truly evaluate a person, during what I call the "evaluation period". Lack of valuation is dangerous because no matter what you believe, or how strong you think you are, you can't always be on guard; everyone will eventually have to trust somebody. (Who you trust and what you trust them with will often determine your happiness). By making a proper evaluation during the "evaluation period" you will be better equipped to make the right decision during crunch time, or when you heart is invested or when you are thinking with that portion of your body below the Mason-Dixon line.
Making a Proper Evaluation/Judgment Free Zone
Trust or Deceit begins at inception. In order to make a proper evaluation, you must first "get to know a person." This sounds a lot easier than it is in practice and nobody can fuck up the getting to know process like a SISTA. This is one area in which Black women can stand to learn a thing or two from their Caucasian sisters across the aisle. Getting to know someone means creating a judgment free zone, when you first meet a person. Restated, at the onset of dating, you must create an atmosphere that allows a person the freedom to show you who they truly are without fear of judgment (i.e. without eye rolling, neck popping, finger wagging, or frowning). Sistas, just because you ask 15 questions doesn't mean you will get 15 answers.
I will use one of my reader's questions to illustrate the point of creating a judgment free zone as opposed to creating a barrier or box. This reader, we will call her Freda, resides in Atlanta, GA were there are more gays than peaches. Freda was on her second date with a 31 year old African American semi-executive (i.e. he thinks he is an executive, and we are not going to argue with him about it). Because Freda had a previous experience with unknowingly dating a down low brotha, she decided to take the bull by the horn and ask her date directly if he had ever been with a man. The date replied "no" and asked Freda what would make her ask him such a question and Freda explained her past experiences.
Asking such a confrontational direct question, is a big no-n0. In order to create a judgment free zone, the other party must feel free to express themselves without judgment or punishment. By Freda asking the question, she has established that she doesn't want to deal with a man who has been with other men, which though may be true, does nothing in helping Freda get the real answers she wants. (Ladies stay with me, I know I lost a few of you). In the dating game, when you set up a barrier, AND the other person remotely likes you or at least doesn't want to be confrontational or embarrassed, he or she will try to live in the box you create (at least until they sleep with you or find out that you are even more fuck up then they are). So it is not that Freda's date will tell her the truth, he will just spend more time trying to hide HIS TRUTH because he now knows with certainty that showing who he may be will equal immediate rejection.
Another reader (this one is male so lets call him Dave) was on a second or third date when the dreaded topic of "threesome" reared it's ugly head. Dave quickly told his date that he was not down with nor would he everrrrrr be down with a threesome, especially with someone he was in love with. The date agreed and said threesomes were not his thang either (thinking to myself, then why did he bring it up). The problem here is that Dave created a barrier/box before finding out what his date really thought, thus giving Dave's date the upperhand. Dave's date now knows how both he and Dave feel, Dave only knows how Dave feels. Dave's date knew that anything less than total agreement would end the date (i.e. his chances to get in dem cakes (lol, gay lingo for panties).
At this point you may be wondering, what makes me an expert....Well unlike most of you, for the last upteen years I have had the unique experience of dating Black Women, Black Men, White Women (don't tell mama, she ain't got off the floor from the last post) and White Men. I have done my research. (remind me to tell y'all about when Mama and Daddy met the White man...FUN-NE)....Unfortunately, the topic of trust is too long for one post, so this post will have two parts.......plus, I have a date coming.....
To be continued.................
Monday, March 15, 2010
He Loves Me, He'sss aaaa Gay, He Loves Me, He'sss aaa Gay
To my extreme surprise, what I have found to be almost axiomatic, a damn near universal fact amongst the rainbow coalition, others found to be controversial and even debatable, "that Black men use White women as beards or covers." This single premise has brought an on and offline debate that has even shocked me...and I don't shock easily. To help provide some clarity to this matter, I have decided to put to use my years of both "closeted" and "out" personal gay life experiences and provide you a list of 5 telling signs that I use to help identify a Black Male Homosexual. Please keep in mind that there is no true formula for identifying a down low brotha and this list is not exhaustive. These tips are not to be viewed in isolation. One characteristic alone will tell you nothing. You must view the man as an entire package. If 1 trait applies, you can safely assume your man is not likely a homosexual. If 4 out of 5 traits apply to your man, give him my number. If you are a man and you are reading this and 3 or more apply (and you are cute, have no kids and have a job), email me (wink, xoxo):)
3. He looks A LOT better than you and you know it and your friends know it. There is no Cinderella and no Prince Charming...If you don't know why somebody so obviously out of your league is with you and all your friends and strangers on the street are asking the same question...INDY 500 of RED FLAGS.
4. He has facial and beauty products that 1). you have never heard of, 2) his mama and sister didn't' give him and 3) he can't tell you how he came to start using the product. General rule: MEN DON'T KNOW SHIT....and this is even more so true you when you are dealing with the "Craig and nem"...The other General rule is "Gay Men Set the Trends. Any real estate broker, travel agent or hair stylist will tell you, if you want to find the next best thing, follow the gays....Men who don't have gay friends use Noxzema, nothing or Neutrogena, when they are trying to be fancy. If you start seeing to many high end products ask questions. (SUBTLE QUESTIONS....it's not an interrogation).
5. Finally, a man who has a whole group of guy friends that you don't really see to often and they travel, travel, travel............without you. Straight men are terrible at planning and organizing, with the exception of (bachelor party to Vegas or Miami). This is even more true if they are from the South. Gay men on the other hand are always in search of an even prettier, longer, piece of _____ (think about it) (i.e. they are constant travelers). Moral of the story, straight men don't usually travel in large packs more than once or year. If they do travel, the designation are common, fishing trips, Vegas, Miami, DR, PR and Brazil if they are fancy. If you don't know the "boys" and you haven't meet the girlfriends or wives, ask questions. If you think one of the "boys" is gay, HE PROBABLY IS.
Gaysha's Tips
1. You think he is Gay. It takes so much for a women to think and eventually admit out loud that she thinks the man that she has been dating and sleeping with may be gay. A woman might think it on the first or second date, but if she has been dating a man for 4 months or more and is still thinking it, well there is your answer. This is especially true for Southern women. Unlike Northern women who are a little more hip to the game, Southern women will give a man the benefit of the doubt..TO THE 1oth power...(i.e. even the choir director and hair dresser in the South can get married). If that little voice is speaking sista, you better be listening.
2. The majority of your friends thinks he is gay. Boo, everybody ain't jealous of you and your man. If everybody else is seeing the same thang, then there is something there. And by everybody I don't mean those one or two close idiot girlfriends that you keep around that will agree with everything you say and never tell you the truth for fear of hurting your feelings. (i.e. nooooo you haven't gain any weight, you are the same size you were in college, and you know for yourself none of your damn clothes fit. If the truth commission tells you something (those girls who don't hold their tongue for nobody)..believe it....Trust me when I tell you, by the time they have the nerve to bring your man's sexuality to your attention, they have debated it endlessly amongst themselves.3. He looks A LOT better than you and you know it and your friends know it. There is no Cinderella and no Prince Charming...If you don't know why somebody so obviously out of your league is with you and all your friends and strangers on the street are asking the same question...INDY 500 of RED FLAGS.
4. He has facial and beauty products that 1). you have never heard of, 2) his mama and sister didn't' give him and 3) he can't tell you how he came to start using the product. General rule: MEN DON'T KNOW SHIT....and this is even more so true you when you are dealing with the "Craig and nem"...The other General rule is "Gay Men Set the Trends. Any real estate broker, travel agent or hair stylist will tell you, if you want to find the next best thing, follow the gays....Men who don't have gay friends use Noxzema, nothing or Neutrogena, when they are trying to be fancy. If you start seeing to many high end products ask questions. (SUBTLE QUESTIONS....it's not an interrogation).
5. Finally, a man who has a whole group of guy friends that you don't really see to often and they travel, travel, travel............without you. Straight men are terrible at planning and organizing, with the exception of (bachelor party to Vegas or Miami). This is even more true if they are from the South. Gay men on the other hand are always in search of an even prettier, longer, piece of _____ (think about it) (i.e. they are constant travelers). Moral of the story, straight men don't usually travel in large packs more than once or year. If they do travel, the designation are common, fishing trips, Vegas, Miami, DR, PR and Brazil if they are fancy. If you don't know the "boys" and you haven't meet the girlfriends or wives, ask questions. If you think one of the "boys" is gay, HE PROBABLY IS.
There are at least 5 more traits that I can think of off the top of my head but these are the most telling in my humble, always right, opinion. If enough people request I will update the list.
Gaysha
Friday, March 12, 2010
Truth Begets Truth
One of my dear friends is desperately fighting an inner battle with his sexuality, which is ironic to me because in my eyes he is a fa-lam-innnnng homosexual, but to a less discerning eye (i.e. White women) he is perfect heterosexual marriage material.
Not sure if you are aware, but closeted Black male homosexuals and White women go together like hand and glove. To a "professional gay" (i.e. someone like myself who has been in the game a while and is not easily fooled by outward appearances) it is one of the first tell-tale signs. It's not White womens' fault; they are just less able to determine which characteristics are cultural and which are sexual. When you date outside of your race, there is always a cloud of confusion that you have to accept when it comes to trying to figure out what is unique to your man or woman and what is just a "Black Thang", or "White Thang" or "Jewish Thang" (I would say "Mexican Thang", but "come on" does anybody really date Mexicans other than Mexicans). It's not that Black women won't date and marry an obvious homosexual -- any southern church goer or member of Alpha Kappa Alpha can attest to the fact that it's done, repeatedly; it's just Black women have a clue and are somewhat consciously looking the other way, whereas White woman are permanent residents of Wonderland. It is this cluelessness that makes them all the more attractive to the closeted Black man. But I digress.
For the last few months, I have been getting my Oprah on. I have been daily hounding my friend to live an authentic life. Anyone who knows me, knows that one of the chief principles that I live by is that Truth Begets Truth. When you lie, conceal, omit, mislead and deceive, you are giving others a pass to do the same to you. Only a TRUE FOOL thinks that they are doing it so well that the other party doesn't know. Others might not know the details of your deceit but they know you are hiding something, and in return, they too hide something. When you are open and honest, you immediately let the other person know that you value them, that you are not perfect and that you trust them.
So after months and months of constant "Oprahing", my friend finally decided to share his "bi-sexuality." (I will save the topic of alleged "bi-sexuality" for another day). Although the young lady was not pleased, she was happy that the information was shared with her. She let my friend know that she was in love with him and willing to try to work through anything to make the relationship work. She asked him was he currently dating men and he assured her that he was dating her exclusively and committed to making things work.
Chileeeee, you know the story didn't end there (Hell, the title of this post is what, Truth Begets ____). So after pouring his heart out and receiving the type of acceptance that he thought existed only in marriages to Will Smith (oops), she begets her truth. Homegirl tells my friend that she has an incurable STD. (Yes she did girl, YES SHE DID, faces were cracked).....But wait......I'm not finished.........They have been having unprotected sex for at least a month........(usher, pass me a fan, cause Imma bout to faint)..........She said she didn't tell him cause she hasn't had an outbreak in a while and didn't feel the need to share the information until the relationship was more serious (i.e. truth begets truth).
Now here is the real question.......When you beget your truth and find acceptance.......Do you have to give acceptance in return.... he feels like he owes her acceptance.....I didn't know what to say (Really, I did know what to say but I didn't want him to use anything I said against me in case he ends up marring this girl).......so I told him I knew a very, very, veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy opinionated group of individuals (who don't do shit all day at work but surf the web) who would surely have the answer...........Sooooooooooooo.....
What do y'all think?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
If You Don't Want These Apples Than Don't Shake My Tree
Dear Potential Fan Base:)
By now, I am well aware that after reading my last post, many of you think that I am extremely pathetic and unhappy. Wellll, you are right...at least for the present moment. The good news is that this dramatic and dismal man-hating mood will not last forever. Anybody who knows me knows that I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I am a relationship bi-polar. Luckily, there are a lot more highs than there are lows. I just happened to start a blog in the middle of a low. Rest assured that this to shall pass and if it doesn't, I like my mother, and her like her mother, will eat my way to happiness one french fry at a time.
Unlike most people, I don't keep anything inside. I am not ashamed of my emotions. I am not ashamed to say I get lonely sometimes and want more than causal sex, a shitload of platonic friendships or a marriage to Jesus. When I am happy you will know and when I am sad you will know. I have found that when you are depressed (i.e. dating black men) your own thoughts can often be your worst enemies. Trying to process dating, relationships, family and friends alone is like counting money in front of family......a bad idea. My therapy is sharing my thoughts with others and this blog is my sounding board.
I have come to quickly realize another added benefit of blogging -- before ever asking me out on a date, any potential date who reads my blog will already have at least some idea that I am somewhat crazy. So if you don't want these apples than don't shake my tree!
By now, I am well aware that after reading my last post, many of you think that I am extremely pathetic and unhappy. Wellll, you are right...at least for the present moment. The good news is that this dramatic and dismal man-hating mood will not last forever. Anybody who knows me knows that I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I am a relationship bi-polar. Luckily, there are a lot more highs than there are lows. I just happened to start a blog in the middle of a low. Rest assured that this to shall pass and if it doesn't, I like my mother, and her like her mother, will eat my way to happiness one french fry at a time.
Unlike most people, I don't keep anything inside. I am not ashamed of my emotions. I am not ashamed to say I get lonely sometimes and want more than causal sex, a shitload of platonic friendships or a marriage to Jesus. When I am happy you will know and when I am sad you will know. I have found that when you are depressed (i.e. dating black men) your own thoughts can often be your worst enemies. Trying to process dating, relationships, family and friends alone is like counting money in front of family......a bad idea. My therapy is sharing my thoughts with others and this blog is my sounding board.
I have come to quickly realize another added benefit of blogging -- before ever asking me out on a date, any potential date who reads my blog will already have at least some idea that I am somewhat crazy. So if you don't want these apples than don't shake my tree!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
When the Raincheck is Not Enough
There is nothing worst than that moment when you realize that you have Nobody, and I mean Nobody, in rotation. It's like a whole new level of depression, as if the first levels of depression were not bad enough. There's of course that level of depression that is almost a constant state when you are single over 30 and dating (depression and dating after 30 are almost interchangeable). At least during this level of depression you are still able to function. This is the level in which you are dating, but not really that into anyone in particular, but to your credit --you do have dates. Where you are really desperate and lonely but you are still enough of an actor or actress to make others believe that you are "just dating" and not "pressed" to meet someone...where you are able to say, almost on que, the holy grail of lies, "I'm not looking, it will happen when it happens"......Although that level of depression is bad, and sometimes feels unbearable, I found out today, lucky fucking me, IT CAN GET WORSE.
I try to keep at least 3 guys in rotation at all times..It's not really a conscious decision as much as a survival tool to keep me from jumping off a cliff. Even a bad date can provide some level of hope (i.e. he's not the one, but maybe the ONE is one date away, I'm just going through the bad apples first etc. etc. (i.e. dumb shit good friends tell each other)..... No dates equals no possibility, equals eating addiction (i.e. getting fat), which equals assisted suicide in the gay community.
Well tonight I was supposed to have a 8:00 p.m. date with my newest date (I am using "date" loosely cause we have never actually been out on a date). To my dismay but not my surprise, he called to cancel our FIRST date. I am using "called" loosely, because it was actually a series of polite "I'm not pressed, even though I am" text messages consisting of me almost begging him to let me know one way other the other if he was going to show up. (It's even sadder to have to wright it than it was to experience it). At 7:53 p.m., Idiot texts me "RAINCHECK"....Needless to say that number was promptly deleted.
Boyfriend in my head number two (we actually did go on at least one date previously, if you consider eating breakfast after the club and a sleepover dating, LIKE I DO (NO JUDGEMENT ZONE).. Well he called this afternoon (again using "called" loosely).. He texted to tell me that his exboyfriend was diagnosed with cancer(likely story) and he couldn't bare to abandon him in his time of need......AS FUCKING IF....I am lonely, it feels like cancer, where is my nursemaid.... I know I sound a little harsh but this cancer card is one of the many tricks that exboyfriends pull in the gay community. It is equivalent to an exgirlfriend saying she is pregnant but "don't want to get tested cause she don't want to harm the baby"..........needless to say, this relationship, in and out of my head, is over.
Third date (friend I am trying to make a lover)......Told him a month ago, over text and phone that I wanted to be more than his friend. He said "wow, me too." Like a fool I thought that meant we would start dating. So like a bigger fool I asked him out, repeatedly. Rain check, Rain check Raincheck.....New Orleans gets less rain....It's been a month and he hasn't asked me for as much a cup of coffee. To his credit he is great at showing non-human like affection (text, facebook, email). Well a month is long enough.......OVER.
So we have come full circle.........I have no one.......and truthfully it hurts....it hurts bad........can't even make a joke about it.........I feel like Scarlett bending in the dirty...
I anticipate this blog being my creative and emotional outlet. I must warn you, I am a terrible spelling and seldom proof read. I hope to entertain you but I am not being paid so you get what you get. Please post as many comments as you like and if you need advice, just ask. My life is a mess but I am good at fixing others.....Till we meet again...
I try to keep at least 3 guys in rotation at all times..It's not really a conscious decision as much as a survival tool to keep me from jumping off a cliff. Even a bad date can provide some level of hope (i.e. he's not the one, but maybe the ONE is one date away, I'm just going through the bad apples first etc. etc. (i.e. dumb shit good friends tell each other)..... No dates equals no possibility, equals eating addiction (i.e. getting fat), which equals assisted suicide in the gay community.
Well tonight I was supposed to have a 8:00 p.m. date with my newest date (I am using "date" loosely cause we have never actually been out on a date). To my dismay but not my surprise, he called to cancel our FIRST date. I am using "called" loosely, because it was actually a series of polite "I'm not pressed, even though I am" text messages consisting of me almost begging him to let me know one way other the other if he was going to show up. (It's even sadder to have to wright it than it was to experience it). At 7:53 p.m., Idiot texts me "RAINCHECK"....Needless to say that number was promptly deleted.
Boyfriend in my head number two (we actually did go on at least one date previously, if you consider eating breakfast after the club and a sleepover dating, LIKE I DO (NO JUDGEMENT ZONE).. Well he called this afternoon (again using "called" loosely).. He texted to tell me that his exboyfriend was diagnosed with cancer(likely story) and he couldn't bare to abandon him in his time of need......AS FUCKING IF....I am lonely, it feels like cancer, where is my nursemaid.... I know I sound a little harsh but this cancer card is one of the many tricks that exboyfriends pull in the gay community. It is equivalent to an exgirlfriend saying she is pregnant but "don't want to get tested cause she don't want to harm the baby"..........needless to say, this relationship, in and out of my head, is over.
Third date (friend I am trying to make a lover)......Told him a month ago, over text and phone that I wanted to be more than his friend. He said "wow, me too." Like a fool I thought that meant we would start dating. So like a bigger fool I asked him out, repeatedly. Rain check, Rain check Raincheck.....New Orleans gets less rain....It's been a month and he hasn't asked me for as much a cup of coffee. To his credit he is great at showing non-human like affection (text, facebook, email). Well a month is long enough.......OVER.
So we have come full circle.........I have no one.......and truthfully it hurts....it hurts bad........can't even make a joke about it.........I feel like Scarlett bending in the dirty...
I anticipate this blog being my creative and emotional outlet. I must warn you, I am a terrible spelling and seldom proof read. I hope to entertain you but I am not being paid so you get what you get. Please post as many comments as you like and if you need advice, just ask. My life is a mess but I am good at fixing others.....Till we meet again...
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