I would like to begin this post by sincerely thanking each of you for supporting my blog. Blog traffic lets me know that you have read the post but I really need your comments to get a sense of who my readers are. I am aware that posting comment s on this particular site is difficult, but please try. It is my hope to make this blog an interactive dialogue about life, love, children, relationships, dating, divorce and legal advice (I have a law degree so if you have a legal question feel free to post a comment and I will respond).
I am glad to see that my last post about trust sparked many readers’ interest. One point of contention surrounded Freda’s directly questioning her date regarding his sexuality. Some of you felt that Freda’s question was A-OK, especially in the current dating environment where one can never be too sure. As one reader put it, “why waste your time, get it out in the open, if Freda is anything like me, I don’t have time for a man with, as you put it, a “vagina allergy”, signed Alone but not Lonely. This line of thinking is very monolithic. This reader is assuming that her date thinks like she does. If that were true, and he was straight forward and didn’t want to waste time, he likely would not be on the date. Secondly, the reader is assuming that the date has the same views and labeling standards on sexuality as her, THIS IS A COMMON MISTAKE AMONGST WOMEN (I will talk about this in another post). Finally, the reader hasn’t established a level of trust with her date that would make her date feel comfortable sharing such an intimate detail (re-read Truth Begets Truth).
Trust me on this, when you are first getting to know someone, you don’t want that person to know your every stance, especially when it comes to touchy subjects like sexuality, student loans/debt, STDs etc. Why you ask? Because you don’t want to force a date to be untruthful, especially during the evaluation period. When a date, especially a man, lies in the evaluation period, they will do everything in their power to keep it a secret for the duration of your relationship or their LIFE. Therefore, if you ask a direct question during this period and your date lies, he or she will for as long as humanly possible, try to hide the real truth (kinda like you did when you got your first weave, or green/blue/hazel contacts).
So you ask, how should Freda have dealt with the situation. To begin, Freda should have never raised the issue of homosexuality. Dating is a process; time will normally reveal everything you need to know in order to make a proper decision regarding compatibility. But you say “I don’t have time to waste, you can’t make babies with powdered eggs (shout-out to Maurice Jamal’s Movie Dirty Laundry). Unfortunately, getting to know someone (i.e. dating) is a marathon and not a sprint, you can’t cut corners; if you don’t have the energy to date, take a break (just not too long, if you notice a beard coming in, get back in the game).
The next step is a little tricky, it requires playing a little bit of a game, but unfortunately this is a part of dating after 30. When touchy topics arise (i.e. sexuality, anal sex (if that is not your thang), oral sex (which should be your thang by this age), threesomes, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends etc), don’t be so quick to show your hand. For example, your date starts questioning you about your sexual fantasies by saying “have you ever blah, blah, blah….(ALL FREAKS (i.e. men) will do this eventually in order to find out your freak level). Instead of saying HELL To Da Naa. You can say, “naa (without tone), I haven’t yet, but the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice. He doesn’t have to know that in your mind you are thinking, “thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever try it.” By being open, you allow him to be open. And this is when you find out his truth (listen and believe).
Again this post is getting to long….I will stop here….I may or may not pick it back up depending on your comments.
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I agree with your comments. I know for me as a man who dates men, I like to find out right away if we are sexually compatible. I’ve been in situations where I really liked someone to find out that we weren’t compatible. After that’s established, then I go on with the evaluation period.
ReplyDeleteIf a man is bisexual and is dating a woman, I think he needs to share that information. She might be down with it, but most Sistas’ IMO are very conservative when it comes to that area. It’s much more devastating for a woman to find out her man is cheating with another man. How can she ever compete with that? I recommend the movie “Cover”
I’m glad that you started this blog because I’m sure people ask you: “How can a nice looking guy like you have trouble finding somebody?” I understand and explain it like this. It’s like fishing. You have very good bait, so you catch lots of fish. The problem is finding the fish you really want and one who wants more than just the bait.
this black background hurts my eyes...
ReplyDelete...wouldn't it be something if people were just honest...I'M ME -- WHO THE HECK ARE YOU??
i am with all the women making a common mistake and think that you should be upfront and direct in questions and in answers. if you are not, you are being manipulative and not allowing someone else to come to their own decisions...dont be shame cuz people might disagree with your tastes, quirks, or characteristics that make you who you are. I think the idea of leaking the truth versus letting it all hang out is bait and switch! Because if the person who is the recipient of the b & s (wow -- that worked on 2 different levels) is firm in their own convictions/tastes/characteristics, they still will walk right on out the door. (but then again -- I am married)
you cannot trick people or guilt people or manipulate people into authentic relationships.
(my two cents - not meant to offend, just trying to move the discussion forward)
yes! Bird this background does play with your vision a little.
ReplyDelete...oh and what's a "good man"??...so many guys think that they are good men, but they are truly dogs!
...If a man is bi-sexual, he should mos def let the woman know up front!
...If a man is gay/in the closet, he should not be dating women, he should be dating barbie dolls.
...If people would treat others with respect, love, and kindness the world would be a better place..."Heal the World" - MJ
...lol!
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