Nobody Can Be Trusted v. Everybody Can Be Trusted Part 1 or 2

As expected my last post has spark a lively debate. Several of my readers have sent emails via facebook asking for relationship advice. When creating this blog I envisioned it as an opportunity to creatively express my personal dating frustrations and triumphs as well as a bootleg way for me to become an Oprah to my friends and hopefully one day an Oracle to the world. So let me begin by telling my trusting pioneering guinea pigs, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with your, for lack of a better word, endless drama. I hope that my words can be of some service.

At first glance, the situations presented in my guinea pigs' emails seemed to be unique and to vary from person to person. However after closer inspection, I quickly realized the common denominator, the unspoken theme of each email was a simple question of "trust". And whenever we are talking about trust, we are simultaneously talking about trust's evil twin sister, deceit.

Evaluation Period
I would like to begin by dispelling the common myth, promulgated by members of the "broken heart club", that "nobody can be trusted." The reality is that Everybody Can Be Trusted; Trusted with What is the Question! When you think nobody is trustworthy, you don't allow yourself the opportunity to truly evaluate a person, during what I call the "evaluation period". Lack of valuation is dangerous because no matter what you believe, or how strong you think you are, you can't always be on guard; everyone will eventually have to trust somebody. (Who you trust and what you trust them with will often determine your happiness). By making a proper evaluation during the "evaluation period" you will be better equipped to make the right decision during crunch time, or when you heart is invested or when you are thinking with that portion of your body below the Mason-Dixon line.

Making a Proper Evaluation/Judgment Free Zone
Trust or Deceit begins at inception. In order to make a proper evaluation, you must first "get to know a person." This sounds a lot easier than it is in practice and nobody can fuck up the getting to know process like a SISTA. This is one area in which Black women can stand to learn a thing or two from their Caucasian sisters across the aisle. Getting to know someone means creating a judgment free zone, when you first meet a person. Restated, at the onset of dating, you must create an atmosphere that allows a person the freedom to show you who they truly are without fear of judgment (i.e. without eye rolling, neck popping, finger wagging, or frowning). Sistas, just because you ask 15 questions doesn't mean you will get 15 answers.

I will use one of my reader's questions to illustrate the point of creating a judgment free zone as opposed to creating a barrier or box. This reader, we will call her Freda, resides in Atlanta, GA were there are more gays than peaches. Freda was on her second date with a 31 year old African American semi-executive (i.e. he thinks he is an executive, and we are not going to argue with him about it). Because Freda had a previous experience with unknowingly dating a down low brotha, she decided to take the bull by the horn and ask her date directly if he had ever been with a man. The date replied "no" and asked Freda what would make her ask him such a question and Freda explained her past experiences.

Asking such a confrontational direct question, is a big no-n0. In order to create a judgment free zone, the other party must feel free to express themselves without judgment or punishment. By Freda asking the question, she has established that she doesn't want to deal with a man who has been with other men, which though may be true, does nothing in helping Freda get the real answers she wants. (Ladies stay with me, I know I lost a few of you). In the dating game, when you set up a barrier, AND the other person remotely likes you or at least doesn't want to be confrontational or embarrassed, he or she will try to live in the box you create (at least until they sleep with you or find out that you are even more fuck up then they are). So it is not that Freda's date will tell her the truth, he will just spend more time trying to hide HIS TRUTH because he now knows with certainty that showing who he may be will equal immediate rejection.

Another reader (this one is male so lets call him Dave) was on a second or third date when the dreaded topic of "threesome" reared it's ugly head. Dave quickly told his date that he was not down with nor would he everrrrrr be down with a threesome, especially with someone he was in love with. The date agreed and said threesomes were not his thang either (thinking to myself, then why did he bring it up). The problem here is that Dave created a barrier/box before finding out what his date really thought, thus giving Dave's date the upperhand. Dave's date now knows how both he and Dave feel, Dave only knows how Dave feels. Dave's date knew that anything less than total agreement would end the date (i.e. his chances to get in dem cakes (lol, gay lingo for panties).

At this point you may be wondering, what makes me an expert....Well unlike most of you, for the last upteen years I have had the unique experience of dating Black Women, Black Men, White Women (don't tell mama, she ain't got off the floor from the last post) and White Men. I have done my research. (remind me to tell y'all about when Mama and Daddy met the White man...FUN-NE)....Unfortunately, the topic of trust is too long for one post, so this post will have two parts.......plus, I have a date coming.....

To be continued.................