When the Raincheck is Not Enough

There is nothing worst than that moment when you realize that you have Nobody, and I mean Nobody, in rotation. It's like a whole new level of depression, as if the first levels of depression were not bad enough. There's of course that level of depression that is almost a constant state when you are single over 30 and dating (depression and dating after 30 are almost interchangeable). At least during this level of depression you are still able to function. This is the level in which you are dating, but not really that into anyone in particular, but to your credit --you do have dates. Where you are really desperate and lonely but you are still enough of an actor or actress to make others believe that you are "just dating" and not "pressed" to meet someone...where you are able to say, almost on que, the holy grail of lies, "I'm not looking, it will happen when it happens"......Although that level of depression is bad, and sometimes feels unbearable, I found out today, lucky fucking me, IT CAN GET WORSE.

I try to keep at least 3 guys in rotation at all times..It's not really a conscious decision as much as a survival tool to keep me from jumping off a cliff. Even a bad date can provide some level of hope (i.e. he's not the one, but maybe the ONE is one date away, I'm just going through the bad apples first etc. etc. (i.e. dumb shit good friends tell each other)..... No dates equals no possibility, equals eating addiction (i.e. getting fat), which equals assisted suicide in the gay community.

Well tonight I was supposed to have a 8:00 p.m. date with my newest date (I am using "date" loosely cause we have never actually been out on a date). To my dismay but not my surprise, he called to cancel our FIRST date. I am using "called" loosely, because it was actually a series of polite "I'm not pressed, even though I am" text messages consisting of me almost begging him to let me know one way other the other if he was going to show up. (It's even sadder to have to wright it than it was to experience it). At 7:53 p.m., Idiot texts me "RAINCHECK"....Needless to say that number was promptly deleted.

Boyfriend in my head number two (we actually did go on at least one date previously, if you consider eating breakfast after the club and a sleepover dating, LIKE I DO (NO JUDGEMENT ZONE).. Well he called this afternoon (again using "called" loosely).. He texted to tell me that his exboyfriend was diagnosed with cancer(likely story) and he couldn't bare to abandon him in his time of need......AS FUCKING IF....I am lonely, it feels like cancer, where is my nursemaid.... I know I sound a little harsh but this cancer card is one of the many tricks that exboyfriends pull in the gay community. It is equivalent to an exgirlfriend saying she is pregnant but "don't want to get tested cause she don't want to harm the baby"..........needless to say, this relationship, in and out of my head, is over.

Third date (friend I am trying to make a lover)......Told him a month ago, over text and phone that I wanted to be more than his friend. He said "wow, me too." Like a fool I thought that meant we would start dating. So like a bigger fool I asked him out, repeatedly. Rain check, Rain check Raincheck.....New Orleans gets less rain....It's been a month and he hasn't asked me for as much a cup of coffee. To his credit he is great at showing non-human like affection (text, facebook, email). Well a month is long enough.......OVER.

So we have come full circle.........I have no one.......and truthfully it hurts....it hurts bad........can't even make a joke about it.........I feel like Scarlett bending in the dirty...

I anticipate this blog being my creative and emotional outlet. I must warn you, I am a terrible spelling and seldom proof read. I hope to entertain you but I am not being paid so you get what you get. Please post as many comments as you like and if you need advice, just ask. My life is a mess but I am good at fixing others.....Till we meet again...