Getting Back on the Horse

So as some of you may know, I have recently accepted a new position and have had little to no time to write. In the future, I am going to try my best to post at least once a week. The best way to ensure me posting is to ask me for advice or make comments regarding something you have read. The comments don’t have to be about something I have written. If you read an interesting article or have a lively debate with friends and want to hear my take on it, feel from to email me at jeremy.s.crawford@gmail.com or facebook. Without feed back I lose inspiration....

Thinking Ahead

So last night a girl friend of mine told me that her boyfriend (or as I have come to know him, Mr. on-again-off-again, Mr. I wish he would ask me to marry him again because this time I am desperate enough to say yes or my favorite, Mr. I want to have his babies but since he is not that cute, I hope they look like me) told her that he has over 250,000 dollars in student loans debt, AND HE IS NOT A DOCTOR........She then proceeds to ask me what she should do if he asks her to marry him. “Isn’t it obvious?” I say, more with my eyes and lips than with my voice, but her blank stare and dilated pupils reminded me that my simple truths are far from universal.

There are only 2 reasons to get married, one is what I call “Come-upings” and the other is Overwhelming religious conviction.

Come-Upings: Is when your financial situation, living conditions or the life of your children drastically improve because you married someone in a better situation than your current one (i.e. you married up). That means the person you married is an asset as opposed to a fucking liability (i.e. good credit, their own home, high income WITH good spending habits, great healthcare). For those of you who ain’t got shit, the world is your oyster. For those of you who got degrees or make good money, sorry the pickings can be slim. In choosing , beware of the MC Hammer syndrome which equals high income earners who spend every damn dime that ain’t nailed down.

Religious Conviction: RC is only a justification to get married when when one feels that they cannot have sex, cohabit or have children outside the covenants of marriage AND you also don’t believe in DIVORCE. I got so f’ing tired of people saying they had to get married because it was the Will of God and before I can even take the “save the date” off the refrigerator, they are getting a divorce. You can’t have it both ways. The Bible only allows for divorce for cheating.....nothing else.......there is no irreconcilable differences for a Christian. So if Jesus don’t mind you getting a divorce, he also don’t mind you shacking up.

Please take note of the reasons not on this list:
1. He said he loves me and I love him.
2. No man will ever treat me like he does (even though he gets on my last nerve).
3. We got kids.
4. I’m pregnant with his kid.
5. To keep him or her from dating others.
6. I want a wedding.
7. All my friends are getting married.
8. We been dating to long not to get married.
9. Family expectations.10. So I don’t have to testify.

Jesus leave the wheel and take the car

some of my favorite youtube clips

If black people going to college was the hope and the dream of the slaves.......this was their nightmare. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_q_uUW7MV6A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KaClIF1ehQ keep her in your prayers.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3a4e6478a6/jojo-of-kc-and-jojo-passes-out-on-stage-from-that-happened no love like a brothers love

How to be a Cheat

Someone sent this to me anonousmly asking adivce. Thought I would share with you.

His Question (ladies don't get mad):
My wife and I have been together for a while, and she knows that I'm a lot more sexual than she is. We have always been very open about things and she knows that I have a lot of fantasies that aren't necessarily shared. She has hinted that if I want to persue them, just do it and don't tell her about it.Well I never really have. But, I've barely been able to contain myself. I have an old friend of my family who I haven't talked to in years and is now close to where I live in college and I want to head down there and just have a wild time.Do you have any experience like this, do you think she's just saying that.Am I risking anything bringing it back up and making sure she doesn't want to hear about it?I just want to have a good time but I want to do it the right way.

My advice to him:
To begin, when dealing with emotions and relationships there are seldom win-win situations. I say that to say, whatever course of action you choose to take will have consequences. One of these unexpected consequences is often the fact that once an individual gets a taste of the “fantasy world,” often one’s sexual appetite does not dissipate but grows louder and stronger. There is an excitement and freedom that surrounds “no strings attached sex” that can often prove very addictive.

The other side of the coin is that if you don’t find a way to sexually express yourself, these thoughts can often become all-consuming and cause you to view your spouse as a barrier or obstacle to your happiness as opposed to a helpmate.

In order to determine the best course of action, you must first have a 99.9% understanding of who you are. The first question you must ask yourself is are you someone that is able to live by your own moral code or do you live by the moral code of others. For example, in the past have you been someone who felt guilty for weeks regarding lying to your wife and/or keeping secrets, or do you live by the notion of “what she don’t know won’t hurt her?” Also, are you someone who cannot keep a secret? Do you and your spouse have the type of relationship where you talk about everything? If this is your type of relationship, it is very dangerous to assume that this one particular situation would be different. If you normally tell her everything, then it is likely that, good or bad, you will also have a strong, almost uncontrollable desire, to share this indiscretion.

No matter what your wife told you, most, and I MEAN ALMOST ALL, women don’t want you having sex without them. When a woman says, “go ahead, just make sure I don’t find out”....she is NOT GIVING YOU PERMISSION...she is just re-enforcing to you that like in any situation with infidelity she will leave you when she finds out...SHE IS JUST RESTATING THE OBVIOUS.

Which brings me to “her finding out”...... Women are 10 times more in tune with their men then they are with themselves or you are in tune with yourself. In my personal view, you are more likely to be caught cheating than you are likely to get away with it. If you go through with this, you must come home the exact same, any changes will alert her that something has happened. Some women require evidence, some will just go with their own intuition. Ironically, must men, like most criminals, just confess. If you do go through with it, make sure you erase all emails, text messages, phone calls and put a lock on your phone....I wouldn’t even use my name...

So to answer your question, if by not participating in these desires, you are becoming overly consumed and a distance is forming between you and your wife and you are someone who can keep a secret and will not have a moral internal conflict resulting in endless guilt and you believe that you can limit these sexual encounters to once a year......then go for it.....but please have the good sense to use protection...I should also warn you not to set your expectations to high, setting up these encounters take a lot of work. Finding the right person or persons for a random encounter is often very difficult. (which is why most people set the encounters up online using various websites on their home computers; which is also why most people get caught). Just go on the weekend trip with the thought that if something happens cool, if not cool.

However, if you have a happy marriage and this is the only portion that needs work and you are not overly consumed and you and your wife are building something beautiful. DON’T FUCK IT UP.....statistically speaking, you will likely be found out.....if you are, you will have destroyed the trust, your wife will NEVER EVER EVER look at you in the same way again. She will never forgive you and will always feel inadequate and use this against you for every wrong ever done to her and every wrong that will be done in the future. She will likely divorce you and cause you severe financial hardship.

In the blink of an eye

OMG, I may have finally found the one....NO JOKE.... I know those of you I call friends have heard me say this a million times over, but this time is the first time I wasn’t “guesstimating” how “love” should feel. Yes, I said LOVE. Mind you, it has only been two weeks and for four of the fourteen days, I was out of town, but I’m trying to be one of those “glass half full people”..(which is harder than it sounds being that I was raised by a “glass damn near empty, got a crack and was dirty before you even poured water in it” kind of mother).

He is everything I have ever wanted in partner, at least his “representative” is and that is enough for me (my mother’s sarcastic voice in the back of my head, “for now”). My aunt once told me that the representative can last for 20 years, which turned out to be a negative for her since she was married for 50 years. But I’m not my aunt; I figure, if I can get 20 years of the last “two weeks”, Imma count myself among the blessed.

The best part about it was that for the first time in my life, I wasn’t even looking (hard). I saw him in a club, gave him OBVIOUS eye contact and of course, like all gay men do in the club, he ignored me. So like the crazy psychotic bitch you know me to be, I walked up to him and said, “I know you saw me looking at you and I know I am looking 10 times better then any of these moongoose up in this club, so STOP trippin.” My expectation was for him to say “Fuck U” (by this point I was in my man-hating, club-hating, “don’t give a damn say what’s on my mind” mood). Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised, he just started laughing uncontrollably. Go figure.

I love a man who can laugh at himself and who does not take himself too seriously. We chit chatted for a while and exchanged numbers. My normal self would have stayed at the club until it closed watching him from a corner to see who else he was trying to holla at while he thought I wasn’t looking (which would have been NEVER, another trait I got from my mama, “eyes in the front, back and sides of my head”. As a child we thought mama’s wigs were an extra set of eyes). The new me(at least the “new me” that week, or maybe it was the me that can no longer spend longer than an hour and a half in a crowded club) said goodnight and left early.

Before leaving, we agreed to meet up on Sunday for our 1st date. Of course you know the fool didn’t call and I ended up going out with another beau on Sunday instead. Nevertheless, to my complete surprise, he called on Monday to apologize and offer an “alleged” good excuse for missing our date and to beg my pardon and request my presence for dinner, “his treat.”...Needless to say, he had me at free food. (I think when I am 40, Imma stop dating food).

The rest is xoxo.

Epilogue: It didn't work out; we are over; still “alleged” friends. I am back on the market.

As only sistas can Part 3 or 3 short story

“I would still love them all the same, Jac-kie, no matter how they chose to live their lives.” Rea said in a very matter-of-fact tone.

“When that leukemia finally got the best of Cedric I thought I was going to die. A mother should never have to bury one of her own, it’s unnatural. But in my misery the Lord showed me how blessed I was. There are so many women who can’t have children, or children causing them a bunch of grief. But we all got good kids. No, we got great kids. Not one of us has ever had to go down to the jail house or morgue over something our kids done did. Not one of these kids has given us cause to hold our heads down in this community. So what if one of them happens to be different. Big Damn Deal, Sorry Ma”

My mother looked as if she had aged 10 years since the beginning of the conversation. Her hazel eyes, that normally looked as if she had a candle burning behind her iris, were unusually dim.

“What do you have to say about all of this Mae,” Lane asked compassionately.

“I don’t want to discuss it. Whether I or any of y’all will have to discuss it one day or not, I don’t want to discuss it today,” Mae said as she looked affirmatively into the eyes of each of her sistas, wondering why Jackie looked as if she were desperately trying to fight back tears.

“Well that is that, anybody hungry,” Big Mama said as she rose to her feet and headed to the kitchen, dragging Rea along with her like a disobedient child.

“Home cooked meals won’t cure everything”, Lane murmured as she walked toward the kitchen alongside Mae.

My mother, normally outspoken overly opinionated, still sat quietly, frozen, like Rea when Credic let go of her hand for the last time. Mae never decided to discuss “It” and neither did my mother.

As only sistas can Part 2 of 3...short story

“Mae knows I love her, and y’all know I love Ricki to death, but that boy is about to be 16 and this is something we need to talk about. Ain’t no need for us to have these family meetings if we can’t keep it real.”

“Ricki ain’t no faggot”, Mae murmured almost inaudibly. Mae looked as if she had just been pouched by E. Holified, all the color had washed out of her face and her mouth hung half way open, as if she were finding it difficult to breath.

“I knew this was a bad idea from the start”, shouted Big Mama rising to her feet headed in Mae’s direction to offer comfort as only a Big Mama can. “Family meetings, paying dues, sharing your feelings, who ever heard of such a thing! Y’all need to keep your feelings to yourself and your mouths closed and let God handle the rest.”

“Mama this is healthy,” Lane said.

Big Mama froze in mid stride as if someone yelled “stop or I’ll shot”, and everyone again felt that uncomfortable silence grip the room as Big Mama slowly turned in Lane’s direction. Ain’t nothing healthy about calling your sister’s child “different”, said Big Mama in a slow deliberate tone.

“Mama, I’m just saying what’s on my mind and what I know has crossed y’alls’ minds at one point or another.”

“Every since you came home from Spelman you think you gotta tell everrrrrrrrrrybody what’s on your mind,” snapped Big Mama. “Spelman may have thought you a lot but you still got a lot to learn. Now apologize to your sista and this is not a request.”

“Sorry Mae”, Lane said, with a touch of sincerity, a pinch of fear and a barrel-full of embarrassment. Although Lane was approaching her thirtieth birthday, her mother’s eyes and tone transformed her into a twelve year old.

“Mama, all I am saying is that we need to talk about this so we can be there for the boy and give him the support that only his family can. Or would y’all whether wait until you find the suicide note and discuss it at his funeral.”

“Oh, Lane please, that boy ain’t going nowhere”, said Rea

“I betca that’s what Nicholas’ family thought too, and we see what happen to him.”

“Y’all hear dat”, asked Big Mama in a suspicious tone.

“Hear what?” responded Lane.

“Sound like something at dat door.” replied Big Mama

“My heart dropped.” My feet became paralyzed. Big Mama was not the passive-overly affectionate kind of grandmother like the one cast in the movie Soul Food. In fact, her most often quoted scripture was spare the rod spoil the child. She had no qualms with beating the hell out of one of her grandbabies for being mouthy or meddling in grown folks business. And although I knew I was her favorite, not even Jesus Christ in the flesh could save me from her wrath if she caught me listening at the door.

“Mama that’s the wind,” said Lane

Ooo, saved.

“Who’s Nicholas?” questioned Aunt Rea.
“You remember, the boy who was in my English class that committed suicide in the locker room at Craigmont.”

“Ooo, that’s different, he was white,” said Rea nonchalantly.

“Rea, I am not even going to go there with you,” Lane snapped.

“Jackie, why you so quiet over there, don’t you have something to say,” asked Rea.

My mother looked up with a dazed look in her eyes with tension lines forming on her forehead.

“I am sorry, what did you say, Rea.”

“I saidddddddddddd why are you over there acting like the cat got your tongue.”

Even though she couldn’t see me listening and peeping under the door, I could tell by the distress in her voice that I was at the front of her mind.

“That’s Mae’s business,” mama said.

“Well, I for one wouldn’t care,” announced Rea.

“That’s because all your kids are married and got babies of their own,” my mother whispered, unfortunately not low enough to escape Rea’s hearing.

As only sistas can Part 1 of 3...short story

This is a short story that I wrote...It's in two parts, let me get your thoughts.....

“Well I think it is down right nasty”, grunted Aunt Macy, “Mae” for short amongst the family. “Two grown men lying up together. Ash on top of crusty ash.”

My mother sat quietly.

“Did you see how they were acting the other day on Oprah”, murmured Mae as she reached into her dress to loosen her bra and wipe the August sweat from up under her arm. “Acting like they were all in love, hugging and kissing, you know I had a mind to write Miss Thang and tell her a thing or two.”

“Yeah, I saw that episode Mae”, chimed in Aunt Rea, my mother’s oldest sista, “but I have to admit, they did seem pretty happy together. They had bought a nice house and didn’t they say they had been together for about 10 years now.”

“10 years”, shouted Mae, “he was with his wife for damn near 20 before that home-wrecker came up on da scene. I tell you the truth, these people need to be ….“Watch it, Mae.” interrupted Big Mama. “This is a holy house.”

“Goodness, Mae, you acting like you scared James bout to break you off a bit of surprising news,” joked Aunt Rea.

Aunt Lane, my mother’s closest sibling, leaned over to my mother and whispered in her ear almost inaudibly, “It ain’t James she worried about.” Lane’s words sent shivers through my mother’s spine like a chilly breeze off the Pacific. It wasn’t James that my mother was worried about either.

“Well I am just saying. They had two beautiful kids and a nice home, that poor woman.”

Big Mama, sitting with a somewhat defeated posture, sat a little slumped over in her chair, staring aimlessly into space, wishing that Rea and Mae would change the subject. The mysterious knot that had formed in her stomach the moment Mae opened her mouth on the subject was becoming unbearable, and she couldn’t even pinpoint why it was there.

“That poooor woman, hasn’t let those two beautiful kids see their loving father in ten years, and you know that ain’t right. She even said herself that he was a good father and provider. Mae, you saw with your own eyes, that youngest girl was in tears when they interviewed her begging to see her daddy.”

“Serves him right!” Snapped Mae.

“Oh Mae, be quite!” said Aunt Lane.
“Don’t start with me Lane, I ain’t in the mood!”

“You ain’t never in the mood. That’s probably why you keep that sour look on your face. Like you smelling shit all the time.”

“O-K”, chuckled aunt Rea, in a high pitched tone imitating the urban girls that come weekly to her shop to get their “dos” fried dyed and laid to the side.

“Lane, have you lost your mind, apologize to ya sista”, admonished Big Mama.

I ain’t paying her no attention, responded Mae.

“Sorry Ma, but Mae needs to come off it, cause we all know that this is something she is gonna to have to face one day, so she better get hip.”

Uncomfortable silence gripped the room as Lane’s comments took root.

“Ouuuu, You done went to far this time Lane”, Rea said.

My mother continued to sit quietly in the corner, as if she were afraid that the conversation would turn on her at any minute.

to be continued.

Love in the time of Cholrea.....................and texting

I hate texting, hate texting, hate texting. Sorry ladies and gents, but I am still in my man hating, man loving, man hating phase, continuing my tragic routine of dating men I hate to love and others I love to hate. For the life of me I cannot figure out why men, (or as I have come to know them “tall boys with three legs”), will ask you on a date and then on the day of the date, THAT THEY SCHEDULED, text you the 3 letter word that I have come to hate more than the illusive facebook poke………….”SUP”. Thinking in my head, “DAMN, DAMN, DAMN here we go again with da dumb shit”.

Inevitably, “Sup is followed by “what you got planned for tonight”. Let the eye-rolling, teeth sucking commence. In my head, I’m thinking, “Well, like a fool I thought I was planning to meet you, since you asked me on a date, which is why, like a bigger fool, I got a haircut on a damn Tuesday (which no black man in his right mind does) which was much earlier than I needed, told my “he in to me but I’m not in to him boyfriend” I had plans and _______________ (things I can’t say on this blog but gay boys can read between the lines).

But for fear of being called “bitter” or even worst “jaded”, which I may one day find out to be true (once I get some health care, a psychologist and some medication), I texted ever so politely, “nada, sup with you”.

Does it really have to be this hard. Promise next post will be lighter. (Thinking to myself, “Lord make me White for a day”).

Sorry My Post are so late, I’m traveling.

Gaysha on Family

10 Truths About Your Family Nobody Will Ever Tell You

1. Drinking can sometimes help.
2. Your Mama can be both your best friend and your worst enemy.
3. There is NO substitute for a good father.
4. No family keeps secrets forever, but there will always be one that you don’t know and everybody else does.
5. Mothers treat sons better.
6. There are only 3 gifts between family members that matter, love, patience and forgiveness.
7. Black kids are really not that different from white kids.
8. Everything don’t run in da family, some of that shit just you.
9. People are able to change.
10. There is a gay in every one.

LOL Wednesday

You know you are CORPORATE GHETTO......
if two or more of the following are true:

1. You don't officially start working in the morning until you read your emails.

2. You have at least one drawer/cabinet that contains more food than office supplies.

3. Not only do you know all the security guards, janitors and cafeteria workers, one
of them has asked you out on a date.

4. Your version of a conference call is when you call your friends and plan what you
are doing for the weekend.

5. The only time your man/woman picks you up from work is on payday.

6. Friends and family members call you at work to cuss you out because you
didn't answer your phone quick enough.

7. You paint your nails at your desk.

8. When you are on a personal call you, laugh so loud your co-workers on the
other side of the office come and ask you what's so funny.

9. You have pictures on your wall with you and your friends at the club.

10.To beat the system, you have codes for personal calls that let's someone
know to call you right back. (Let the phone ring two times and call me right back).

11. You give your out-of-town friends your company's 1-800 number.

12. Before calling in sick, you rehearse your sick voice and sick story several times out loud.

13. Coworkers inquire how your father's surgery went that required you to be out
for days and you don't even know who your daddy is.

14. You use the company's postage machine to stamp your personal mail.

15. Your kid's school supplies all have your company insignia on them, you order
personal supplies for you and your kids.

16. You call in sick on payday Friday and send your cousin to pick up your paycheck.
(Now THAT'S REAL ghetto!! Get direct deposit!!)

17. You contribute $1 to the office Christmas party, eat the most food and take
a platter of lunch meat and potato salad home to your family for dinner.

18. Before someone uses your telephone at your desk, they have to wipe
the chicken grease off the handset.

19. You call in sick on Friday because you went out on Thursday.

20. You don't like your supervisor and a couple other coworkers and you tell
them off on a regular basis and wonder why you haven't been promoted.

21. You get your haircut/hair done on lunch and come back two hours later and
then ask "Was anybody looking for me?".

22.. You cuss your creditors out for calling you at work.

23. You come to work on Friday's dressed for the club.

24. Your kids call your job and say to the operator, "Let me speak to my Mama"

25. You are sitting there reading this instead of getting your work done.

Two Bites of a Rotten Apple

OMG, OMG OMG – for those of you who have been with me since the beginning, you know that the inspiration for this blog stemmed from the extreme disappointment I felt after being stood up at the last minute by a potential beau. This inconsiderate behavior combined with a sense of looming defeat at the fact that I still haven’t found my prince after a decade of F’ing dating (i.e. searching) led to a week or two of some serious depression, almost resulting in me giving up men all together…..almost…(Brandy singing in the background “almost doesn’t count”).

So it has been about a month since I started blogging; two weeks of depression and a few weeks of being back in the saddle, looking and feeling good. WELL WOULDN”T YOU F’ING KNOW IT…….Do I even have to tell you…….Guess who decides to call out of the blue……Mr. Can’t tell time, To lazy to send a text, Can’t keep a damn date. (Jesus take da Wheel).
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG and he is looking good…gooooood, I tell you…It’s not as romantic as it sounds. I am using the word “look” loosely. I haven’t actually seen him in person but we” web-camed” last night (uhummmm, fill in the blank).

So a few days ago he texted me one of those dreaded, “Who is this? I have your number in my phone but don’t remember you” texts (i.e. I am cleaning out my cell phone and I don’t really remember you but in the back of my mind I remember somebody by this name being cute). I didn’t respond….Then he followed a few minutes later with a text requesting that I send him a picture. Normally I wouldn’t comply, but I am still recovering from a few unfortunate blind dates in which I was not blind, so I am in a very humble state. (This is the first time in my life I regretted having lasik eye surgery. In the old days of ugly blind dates, I would have just taken my glasses off and felt for my utensils and glassware, pretending to make eye to eye contact, all the while focusing on blurred images). But I digress.

So we exchanged photos and he is even finer than I remembered. We then exchange a few more text messages and decide to chat on instant messenger and use our web cams (shout out to gay boys with web cams *wink* cause I know you are reading between these lines). Wouldn’t you know it, we ended up talking for 2 hours. We actually have a lot in common and he even made me laugh. So you knowwww what that means --- Get ready for two weeks of extreme depression, cause you know I asked him out, again……………

Wish me luck…….

Cain vs. Able 2 of 2

Gaysha’s Definition of a Closeted Man: A man who, 1) in his own heart believes he may be attracted to men, but has never acted on it, or if he has, it has been few and far between, and 2) who intends to live his life as a heterosexual, for whatever reasons (i.e. religious, family etc, etc.)

Closeted men and DL men are comparable to African Americans and Asians, both groups are minorities but the similarities and bonds end there. Until I was about 21 years old, I mentally trained myself to never look another man in the eye for more than a few seconds. I firmly believed that the eyes were the windows to the soul and I was terrified as to what another man might see.

All my life I knew I was different; by high school and college, I knew what that difference was. With this knowledge came a determination not to yield to temptation. If that meant fasting and praying and praying and fasting some more, than that was what I was committed to doing. This belief resulted in my organizing midnight prayers/bible studies in college, studying abroad in Africa so I would not be tempted and eventually moving out of Atlanta. I wanted so very desperately to be straight.

Unfortunately or fortunately, my steadfast determination proved to be the weaker of the opponents. However, almost systematically after giving in to temptation, I would retreat to days and weeks of self-hatred, culminating in serious contemplation of suicide, subconsciously thinking that if I was going to go to Hell for being gay, I was going to go on my own terms.

Even more elaborate than my suicidal thoughts were my preplanned funeral preparations. I imagined ticket scalpers and lines of people standing outside the church trying to get in, with a horse-drawn carriage waiting nearby for my funeral march to the graveyard. Inside the church, Kelly Price would be singing in the choir, bringing people to tears; nurses in white dresses and matching hats would be overwhelmed, frantically trying to revive the dozens and dozens of friends and family whose grief had overtaken them and caused them to lose consciousness. In my mind’s eye, the apex of the service would be when my mother, draped in black, would finally stand to her feet and scream, “If only he had told me, we love da gays”. But I digress.

The point I am trying to make, hopefully with a little humor, is that the life of the closeted gay man is often filled with self-tortured and misery; he is picked on in his youth for being different, he does his best for the next 20 years to be what society, friends and family expect of him. This desire to be normal, to fit in, to end the mounting speculation that intensifies with every additional bachelor year often drives him to a loveless marriage, normally to a less attractive woman who is willing to overlook his “walk” or "hand gestures". Unfortunately, often to the dismay of wives and children, these men come to the truth that everyone must eventually learn in order to be happy – that we are all perfect in God’s eyes and it is up to us to live in the light or be smothered to death by the dark.

These men are not deceitful, these men are confused. A confusion that is normally easily visible if one takes the time to look with a selfless eye. These men are on a journey of self discovery. Unfortunately, they will make mistakes along the way. Nevertheless, these men are deserving of our compassion, acceptance, patience and love. They are not DL men, although they are often forced to share the same lot.

Cain vs. Able part 1 of 2

After reading a few of the comments generated by my posts regarding homosexual traits, I now realize that there is some confusion amongst my “sit to piss” friends. It seems that a lot of ladies are using “closeted” and “down low” interchangeably. This is understandable since both are lay terms and have no established definitions. However, this can lead to very dangerous misinterpretations when assessing a person’s deceit level. I hope the next two posts provide some much needed clarity.

Gaysha’s Definition of Down Low or DL: A man who has come to 1) a firm decision(in his mind) that he is sexually attracted to members of the same sex, 2) has acted on it and 3) intends to act on it in the future.

Gaysha’s Definition of a Closeted Man: A man who, 1) in his own heart believes he may be attracted to men, but has never acted on it, or if he has, it has been few and far between and 2) who intends to live his life as a heterosexual, for whatever reasons (i.e. religious, family etc). The list of traits I previously provided will help one identify both the closeted and down low(DL) man, however, one's level of compassion and understanding for each type of man should be polar opposites.

The DL man is deceitful and is a pathological liar. He is dangerous because he thinks “not getting caught” is a game. He is overly confident and thinks of his wife/girlfriend as a fool or under his thumb. He thinks of his gay lovers as disposable toys or play things. Normally, he is the worst of the spoiled “mama’s boys.” The DL brotha loves being the unattainable in the gay community and the “poster boy” for the strong black man in the heterosexual community.

Because the DL man’s ego is so inflated, he has an exaggerated sense of self. And because he hasn’t been caught, he feels like luck is on his side. Unfortunately, this lucky feeling, the feeling that nothing bad can or will happen to him, often translates to him having unprotected homosexual sex. The ironic thing about the DL man is that because of his enlarged ego, in many ways he wants to get caught. He wants to be able to say to his wife/girlfriend out loud, what he thinks in his head “fuck you, you not going anywhere.” And the sad truth is that his assumption is often right. This type of man preys on women with low self esteem, limited resources and lack of family support. After finding such a woman, it is the DL man’s first priority to get his woman pregnant, thus ensuring her submissiveness and the clipping of her wings.

Another technique used by this type of man is to find a woman that is not “equally” suited to him. This woman doesn’t know why he chose her and nobody else does either. He is generally more attractive, successful and extroverted than his mate. He lives for an audience. This is all done to reinforce the timeless abusers’ mantra “if you leave, you will never find another like me.” To be clear, this is not the modus operandi (MO) of just the DL man, this is essentially the recipe of most domestic abusers. And that is just want a DL man is, an abuser.

To be continued. ………..

Gaysha on Relationship

Gaysha's 13 Truths About Relationships That Nobody Will Ever Tell You

1. Love does not equal a relationship.
2. One person will always like/love the other person more, just deal.
3. You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.
4. Love is not a cure all.
5. You can love two people at the same time.
6. Some things, God just don’t care about.
7. Sex with you can get boring.
8. Size does matter, his penis, her waist.
9. Every good man is not for every good woman.
10.People don’t really want you to be happy, unless they are to.
11. Sexuality is not black and white.
12. There is life after love.
13. Drinking can sometimes help.

Try Saying

Do you remember the days when email first started and everybody was sending chains email, constantly? Thankfully, today's office worker has a little more discretion and is a lot more thoughtful with what they forward (exception: Baby Boomer Generation. Baby boomers (i.e aunts, older cousins, yo mama's friends, yo mama) are still sending EVERY single email that any Tom, Dick or Harry sends them regardless of content (i.e. prayer chains, baby pics of people's kids you don't know, prayer request for people you thought were already dead, letters from long lost Nigerian relatives, angel wings etc. etc.) Nevertheless, I was going through some old emails and came across one of my favorites and decided to share it with you. It's an oldie but goody. Hope you enjoy.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

Thieves In The Temple

Many of you have requested that I update my “Your Man Might Be Gay list”. I have heard your pleas. Unfortunately, I don’t have time tonight to compile a full list. Also, I don’t want to feed even more into some of yawls’ already illogical paranoia that all men are gay. Trust me, they are not; gays are still very much the minority and we are treated as such. The following is just another salient warning sign; one in which I failed to mention in my first post. Please remember that my listings are just mere yellow caution signs on the highway of love, not stop signs (yellow does not mean stop; it just means proceed with your wits about yourself, listen, observe, follow your instinct). Also keep in mind that homosexuality is not a formula, I am just writing about trends and characteristics that I have noticed over the years.

Numero Uno of the Caution Signs
Dow low black men use Jesus as a lifestyle cover even more than they use White women. Don’t get mad at me, I didn’t make the rule; I’m just the lowly messenger. Come on people, think about it. I’m not saying that this applies to everyone, but for a lot of black men under 50, the Black Church is just a gay club for the less attractive, socially awkward, fat boys of the gay community (for those over 50, it’s a neighborhood senior center). It’s almost like churches subliminally advertise that “If you don’t feel comfortable dancing shirtless under a multicolored strobe light and disco ball, come to New Birth, University Park, West Angeles, Emmanuel, Greater Allen A.M.E., Lakewood, World Changes, CCC, Metropolitan, Trinity, Potter’s House etc and get your dance on.”

There is only one Black church that doesn’t have gays….drum roll please…….Jehovah Witness. You may hear a gay boy say that he was raised JW, but you never hear one say that they are JW. Why you ask? Because JW churches don’t have choirs and they only sing songs from the most drab hymn book known to man. No organ, No Keyboard, No drums, No choir, NO SOLO, NO GAYS.

What do you think?

Blindside

For some reason after reading a few of my earlier post, some of my readers got the crazy idea that I might be lonely and looking for a “boo.” I am still not quite sure what I may have written that would have given so many of you that impression (eye roll). Nevertheless, I am somewhat grateful that this miscommunication took place. As a result of this unintentional subliminal message (that I am the Dorothy Zbornak of my social circle), I have been set up on not one, not two but 3 blind dates. All of which I went out on this past week.

The problem of being single, over 30 and admittedly open to being “fixed up” is that married people, straight and same-sex-loving alike, have what I call a “Mikey Syndrome.” They feel like as long as you are single above a certain age, any single “Joe the Plummer” will do; as if the longer you are single the duller your five senses become (i.e. give it to Mikey, he’ll eat/date anyone). SOOOOO NOT TRUE.

It’s kinda like when you are the only Black guy or girl in your office and all your married White and Asian “office BFFs” want to hook you up with the only other Black in their husband’s or wife’s office. For weeks they pump you up. You are apprehensive at first, but eventually their excitement and enthusiasm finally penetrate your iron clad exterior and you start to think to yourself, “maybe this is my happy ending, it happens to white women, why not me.” Like a true fool, you decide, against ALL BETTER JUDGMENT, to go on the date. Needless to say... Big Mistake. You quickly realize, before the first needed drink is served, that the only thing you and “Joe the other Black Plummer” have in common is that you are both over 30 and the only single Blacks in your respective offices. Let the drinking commence.

I use this common dating experience to give you some type of mental image of what I experienced on my 1st blog blind date. In that the person who hooked me up may be reading this, I will be nice and brief and spare you the intimate details. What I will share with you is the lesson I learned from the date, because isn’t that what life is all about, learning lessons.....What I learned is that, “In order for a blind date to be successful, one or both parties at a minimum needs to actually be blind.”

Even though this particular date wasn’t a success, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that “Dating is a Numbers Game” the more you date the more likely you are to find what you are looking for. Better luck next time.

Nobody Can Be Trusted v. Everybody Can Be Trusted Part 2 or 2

I would like to begin this post by sincerely thanking each of you for supporting my blog. Blog traffic lets me know that you have read the post but I really need your comments to get a sense of who my readers are. I am aware that posting comment s on this particular site is difficult, but please try. It is my hope to make this blog an interactive dialogue about life, love, children, relationships, dating, divorce and legal advice (I have a law degree so if you have a legal question feel free to post a comment and I will respond).

I am glad to see that my last post about trust sparked many readers’ interest. One point of contention surrounded Freda’s directly questioning her date regarding his sexuality. Some of you felt that Freda’s question was A-OK, especially in the current dating environment where one can never be too sure. As one reader put it, “why waste your time, get it out in the open, if Freda is anything like me, I don’t have time for a man with, as you put it, a “vagina allergy”, signed Alone but not Lonely. This line of thinking is very monolithic. This reader is assuming that her date thinks like she does. If that were true, and he was straight forward and didn’t want to waste time, he likely would not be on the date. Secondly, the reader is assuming that the date has the same views and labeling standards on sexuality as her, THIS IS A COMMON MISTAKE AMONGST WOMEN (I will talk about this in another post). Finally, the reader hasn’t established a level of trust with her date that would make her date feel comfortable sharing such an intimate detail (re-read Truth Begets Truth).

Trust me on this, when you are first getting to know someone, you don’t want that person to know your every stance, especially when it comes to touchy subjects like sexuality, student loans/debt, STDs etc. Why you ask? Because you don’t want to force a date to be untruthful, especially during the evaluation period. When a date, especially a man, lies in the evaluation period, they will do everything in their power to keep it a secret for the duration of your relationship or their LIFE. Therefore, if you ask a direct question during this period and your date lies, he or she will for as long as humanly possible, try to hide the real truth (kinda like you did when you got your first weave, or green/blue/hazel contacts).

So you ask, how should Freda have dealt with the situation. To begin, Freda should have never raised the issue of homosexuality. Dating is a process; time will normally reveal everything you need to know in order to make a proper decision regarding compatibility. But you say “I don’t have time to waste, you can’t make babies with powdered eggs (shout-out to Maurice Jamal’s Movie Dirty Laundry). Unfortunately, getting to know someone (i.e. dating) is a marathon and not a sprint, you can’t cut corners; if you don’t have the energy to date, take a break (just not too long, if you notice a beard coming in, get back in the game).


The next step is a little tricky, it requires playing a little bit of a game, but unfortunately this is a part of dating after 30. When touchy topics arise (i.e. sexuality, anal sex (if that is not your thang), oral sex (which should be your thang by this age), threesomes, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends etc), don’t be so quick to show your hand. For example, your date starts questioning you about your sexual fantasies by saying “have you ever blah, blah, blah….(ALL FREAKS (i.e. men) will do this eventually in order to find out your freak level). Instead of saying HELL To Da Naa. You can say, “naa (without tone), I haven’t yet, but the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice. He doesn’t have to know that in your mind you are thinking, “thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever try it.” By being open, you allow him to be open. And this is when you find out his truth (listen and believe).

Again this post is getting to long….I will stop here….I may or may not pick it back up depending on your comments.

Nobody Can Be Trusted v. Everybody Can Be Trusted Part 1 or 2

As expected my last post has spark a lively debate. Several of my readers have sent emails via facebook asking for relationship advice. When creating this blog I envisioned it as an opportunity to creatively express my personal dating frustrations and triumphs as well as a bootleg way for me to become an Oprah to my friends and hopefully one day an Oracle to the world. So let me begin by telling my trusting pioneering guinea pigs, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with your, for lack of a better word, endless drama. I hope that my words can be of some service.

At first glance, the situations presented in my guinea pigs' emails seemed to be unique and to vary from person to person. However after closer inspection, I quickly realized the common denominator, the unspoken theme of each email was a simple question of "trust". And whenever we are talking about trust, we are simultaneously talking about trust's evil twin sister, deceit.

Evaluation Period
I would like to begin by dispelling the common myth, promulgated by members of the "broken heart club", that "nobody can be trusted." The reality is that Everybody Can Be Trusted; Trusted with What is the Question! When you think nobody is trustworthy, you don't allow yourself the opportunity to truly evaluate a person, during what I call the "evaluation period". Lack of valuation is dangerous because no matter what you believe, or how strong you think you are, you can't always be on guard; everyone will eventually have to trust somebody. (Who you trust and what you trust them with will often determine your happiness). By making a proper evaluation during the "evaluation period" you will be better equipped to make the right decision during crunch time, or when you heart is invested or when you are thinking with that portion of your body below the Mason-Dixon line.

Making a Proper Evaluation/Judgment Free Zone
Trust or Deceit begins at inception. In order to make a proper evaluation, you must first "get to know a person." This sounds a lot easier than it is in practice and nobody can fuck up the getting to know process like a SISTA. This is one area in which Black women can stand to learn a thing or two from their Caucasian sisters across the aisle. Getting to know someone means creating a judgment free zone, when you first meet a person. Restated, at the onset of dating, you must create an atmosphere that allows a person the freedom to show you who they truly are without fear of judgment (i.e. without eye rolling, neck popping, finger wagging, or frowning). Sistas, just because you ask 15 questions doesn't mean you will get 15 answers.

I will use one of my reader's questions to illustrate the point of creating a judgment free zone as opposed to creating a barrier or box. This reader, we will call her Freda, resides in Atlanta, GA were there are more gays than peaches. Freda was on her second date with a 31 year old African American semi-executive (i.e. he thinks he is an executive, and we are not going to argue with him about it). Because Freda had a previous experience with unknowingly dating a down low brotha, she decided to take the bull by the horn and ask her date directly if he had ever been with a man. The date replied "no" and asked Freda what would make her ask him such a question and Freda explained her past experiences.

Asking such a confrontational direct question, is a big no-n0. In order to create a judgment free zone, the other party must feel free to express themselves without judgment or punishment. By Freda asking the question, she has established that she doesn't want to deal with a man who has been with other men, which though may be true, does nothing in helping Freda get the real answers she wants. (Ladies stay with me, I know I lost a few of you). In the dating game, when you set up a barrier, AND the other person remotely likes you or at least doesn't want to be confrontational or embarrassed, he or she will try to live in the box you create (at least until they sleep with you or find out that you are even more fuck up then they are). So it is not that Freda's date will tell her the truth, he will just spend more time trying to hide HIS TRUTH because he now knows with certainty that showing who he may be will equal immediate rejection.

Another reader (this one is male so lets call him Dave) was on a second or third date when the dreaded topic of "threesome" reared it's ugly head. Dave quickly told his date that he was not down with nor would he everrrrrr be down with a threesome, especially with someone he was in love with. The date agreed and said threesomes were not his thang either (thinking to myself, then why did he bring it up). The problem here is that Dave created a barrier/box before finding out what his date really thought, thus giving Dave's date the upperhand. Dave's date now knows how both he and Dave feel, Dave only knows how Dave feels. Dave's date knew that anything less than total agreement would end the date (i.e. his chances to get in dem cakes (lol, gay lingo for panties).

At this point you may be wondering, what makes me an expert....Well unlike most of you, for the last upteen years I have had the unique experience of dating Black Women, Black Men, White Women (don't tell mama, she ain't got off the floor from the last post) and White Men. I have done my research. (remind me to tell y'all about when Mama and Daddy met the White man...FUN-NE)....Unfortunately, the topic of trust is too long for one post, so this post will have two parts.......plus, I have a date coming.....

To be continued.................

He Loves Me, He'sss aaaa Gay, He Loves Me, He'sss aaa Gay

To my extreme surprise, what I have found to be almost axiomatic, a damn near universal fact amongst the rainbow coalition, others found to be controversial and even debatable, "that Black men use White women as beards or covers." This single premise has brought an on and offline debate that has even shocked me...and I don't shock easily. To help provide some clarity to this matter, I have decided to put to use my years of both "closeted" and "out" personal gay life experiences and provide you a list of 5 telling signs that I use to help identify a Black Male Homosexual. Please keep in mind that there is no true formula for identifying a down low brotha and this list is not exhaustive. These tips are not to be viewed in isolation. One characteristic alone will tell you nothing. You must view the man as an entire package. If 1 trait applies, you can safely assume your man is not likely a homosexual. If 4 out of 5 traits apply to your man, give him my number. If you are a man and you are reading this and 3 or more apply (and you are cute, have no kids and have a job), email me (wink, xoxo):)

Gaysha's Tips

1. You think he is Gay. It takes so much for a women to think and eventually admit out loud that she thinks the man that she has been dating and sleeping with may be gay. A woman might think it on the first or second date, but if she has been dating a man for 4 months or more and is still thinking it, well there is your answer. This is especially true for Southern women. Unlike Northern women who are a little more hip to the game, Southern women will give a man the benefit of the doubt..TO THE 1oth power...(i.e. even the choir director and hair dresser in the South can get married). If that little voice is speaking sista, you better be listening.

2. The majority of your friends thinks he is gay. Boo, everybody ain't jealous of you and your man. If everybody else is seeing the same thang, then there is something there. And by everybody I don't mean those one or two close idiot girlfriends that you keep around that will agree with everything you say and never tell you the truth for fear of hurting your feelings. (i.e. nooooo you haven't gain any weight, you are the same size you were in college, and you know for yourself none of your damn clothes fit. If the truth commission tells you something (those girls who don't hold their tongue for nobody)..believe it....Trust me when I tell you, by the time they have the nerve to bring your man's sexuality to your attention, they have debated it endlessly amongst themselves.

3. He looks A LOT better than you and you know it and your friends know it. There is no Cinderella and no Prince Charming...If you don't know why somebody so obviously out of your league is with you and all your friends and strangers on the street are asking the same question...INDY 500 of RED FLAGS.

4. He has facial and beauty products that 1). you have never heard of, 2) his mama and sister didn't' give him and 3) he can't tell you how he came to start using the product. General rule: MEN DON'T KNOW SHIT....and this is even more so true you when you are dealing with the "Craig and nem"...The other General rule is "Gay Men Set the Trends. Any real estate broker, travel agent or hair stylist will tell you, if you want to find the next best thing, follow the gays....Men who don't have gay friends use Noxzema, nothing or Neutrogena, when they are trying to be fancy. If you start seeing to many high end products ask questions. (SUBTLE QUESTIONS....it's not an interrogation).


5. Finally, a man who has a whole group of guy friends that you don't really see to often and they travel, travel, travel............without you. Straight men are terrible at planning and organizing, with the exception of (bachelor party to Vegas or Miami). This is even more true if they are from the South. Gay men on the other hand are always in search of an even prettier, longer, piece of _____ (think about it) (i.e. they are constant travelers). Moral of the story, straight men don't usually travel in large packs more than once or year. If they do travel, the designation are common, fishing trips, Vegas, Miami, DR, PR and Brazil if they are fancy. If you don't know the "boys" and you haven't meet the girlfriends or wives, ask questions. If you think one of the "boys" is gay, HE PROBABLY IS.

There are at least 5 more traits that I can think of off the top of my head but these are the most telling in my humble, always right, opinion. If enough people request I will update the list.

Gaysha

Truth Begets Truth

One of my dear friends is desperately fighting an inner battle with his sexuality, which is ironic to me because in my eyes he is a fa-lam-innnnng homosexual, but to a less discerning eye (i.e. White women) he is perfect heterosexual marriage material.

Not sure if you are aware, but closeted Black male homosexuals and White women go together like hand and glove. To a "professional gay" (i.e. someone like myself who has been in the game a while and is not easily fooled by outward appearances) it is one of the first tell-tale signs. It's not White womens' fault; they are just less able to determine which characteristics are cultural and which are sexual. When you date outside of your race, there is always a cloud of confusion that you have to accept when it comes to trying to figure out what is unique to your man or woman and what is just a "Black Thang", or "White Thang" or "Jewish Thang" (I would say "Mexican Thang", but "come on" does anybody really date Mexicans other than Mexicans). It's not that Black women won't date and marry an obvious homosexual -- any southern church goer or member of Alpha Kappa Alpha can attest to the fact that it's done, repeatedly; it's just Black women have a clue and are somewhat consciously looking the other way, whereas White woman are permanent residents of Wonderland. It is this cluelessness that makes them all the more attractive to the closeted Black man. But I digress.

For the last few months, I have been getting my Oprah on. I have been daily hounding my friend to live an authentic life. Anyone who knows me, knows that one of the chief principles that I live by is that Truth Begets Truth. When you lie, conceal, omit, mislead and deceive, you are giving others a pass to do the same to you. Only a TRUE FOOL thinks that they are doing it so well that the other party doesn't know. Others might not know the details of your deceit but they know you are hiding something, and in return, they too hide something. When you are open and honest, you immediately let the other person know that you value them, that you are not perfect and that you trust them.

So after months and months of constant "Oprahing", my friend finally decided to share his "bi-sexuality." (I will save the topic of alleged "bi-sexuality" for another day). Although the young lady was not pleased, she was happy that the information was shared with her. She let my friend know that she was in love with him and willing to try to work through anything to make the relationship work. She asked him was he currently dating men and he assured her that he was dating her exclusively and committed to making things work.

Chileeeee, you know the story didn't end there (Hell, the title of this post is what, Truth Begets ____). So after pouring his heart out and receiving the type of acceptance that he thought existed only in marriages to Will Smith (oops), she begets her truth. Homegirl tells my friend that she has an incurable STD. (Yes she did girl, YES SHE DID, faces were cracked).....But wait......I'm not finished.........They have been having unprotected sex for at least a month........(usher, pass me a fan, cause Imma bout to faint)..........She said she didn't tell him cause she hasn't had an outbreak in a while and didn't feel the need to share the information until the relationship was more serious (i.e. truth begets truth).

Now here is the real question.......When you beget your truth and find acceptance.......Do you have to give acceptance in return.... he feels like he owes her acceptance.....I didn't know what to say (Really, I did know what to say but I didn't want him to use anything I said against me in case he ends up marring this girl).......so I told him I knew a very, very, veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy opinionated group of individuals (who don't do shit all day at work but surf the web) who would surely have the answer...........Sooooooooooooo.....

What do y'all think?

If You Don't Want These Apples Than Don't Shake My Tree

Dear Potential Fan Base:)


By now, I am well aware that after reading my last post, many of you think that I am extremely pathetic and unhappy. Wellll, you are right...at least for the present moment. The good news is that this dramatic and dismal man-hating mood will not last forever. Anybody who knows me knows that I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I am a relationship bi-polar. Luckily, there are a lot more highs than there are lows. I just happened to start a blog in the middle of a low. Rest assured that this to shall pass and if it doesn't, I like my mother, and her like her mother, will eat my way to happiness one french fry at a time.

Unlike most people, I don't keep anything inside. I am not ashamed of my emotions. I am not ashamed to say I get lonely sometimes and want more than causal sex, a shitload of platonic friendships or a marriage to Jesus. When I am happy you will know and when I am sad you will know. I have found that when you are depressed (i.e. dating black men) your own thoughts can often be your worst enemies. Trying to process dating, relationships, family and friends alone is like counting money in front of family......a bad idea. My therapy is sharing my thoughts with others and this blog is my sounding board.

I have come to quickly realize another added benefit of blogging -- before ever asking me out on a date, any potential date who reads my blog will already have at least some idea that I am somewhat crazy. So if you don't want these apples than don't shake my tree!

When the Raincheck is Not Enough

There is nothing worst than that moment when you realize that you have Nobody, and I mean Nobody, in rotation. It's like a whole new level of depression, as if the first levels of depression were not bad enough. There's of course that level of depression that is almost a constant state when you are single over 30 and dating (depression and dating after 30 are almost interchangeable). At least during this level of depression you are still able to function. This is the level in which you are dating, but not really that into anyone in particular, but to your credit --you do have dates. Where you are really desperate and lonely but you are still enough of an actor or actress to make others believe that you are "just dating" and not "pressed" to meet someone...where you are able to say, almost on que, the holy grail of lies, "I'm not looking, it will happen when it happens"......Although that level of depression is bad, and sometimes feels unbearable, I found out today, lucky fucking me, IT CAN GET WORSE.

I try to keep at least 3 guys in rotation at all times..It's not really a conscious decision as much as a survival tool to keep me from jumping off a cliff. Even a bad date can provide some level of hope (i.e. he's not the one, but maybe the ONE is one date away, I'm just going through the bad apples first etc. etc. (i.e. dumb shit good friends tell each other)..... No dates equals no possibility, equals eating addiction (i.e. getting fat), which equals assisted suicide in the gay community.

Well tonight I was supposed to have a 8:00 p.m. date with my newest date (I am using "date" loosely cause we have never actually been out on a date). To my dismay but not my surprise, he called to cancel our FIRST date. I am using "called" loosely, because it was actually a series of polite "I'm not pressed, even though I am" text messages consisting of me almost begging him to let me know one way other the other if he was going to show up. (It's even sadder to have to wright it than it was to experience it). At 7:53 p.m., Idiot texts me "RAINCHECK"....Needless to say that number was promptly deleted.

Boyfriend in my head number two (we actually did go on at least one date previously, if you consider eating breakfast after the club and a sleepover dating, LIKE I DO (NO JUDGEMENT ZONE).. Well he called this afternoon (again using "called" loosely).. He texted to tell me that his exboyfriend was diagnosed with cancer(likely story) and he couldn't bare to abandon him in his time of need......AS FUCKING IF....I am lonely, it feels like cancer, where is my nursemaid.... I know I sound a little harsh but this cancer card is one of the many tricks that exboyfriends pull in the gay community. It is equivalent to an exgirlfriend saying she is pregnant but "don't want to get tested cause she don't want to harm the baby"..........needless to say, this relationship, in and out of my head, is over.

Third date (friend I am trying to make a lover)......Told him a month ago, over text and phone that I wanted to be more than his friend. He said "wow, me too." Like a fool I thought that meant we would start dating. So like a bigger fool I asked him out, repeatedly. Rain check, Rain check Raincheck.....New Orleans gets less rain....It's been a month and he hasn't asked me for as much a cup of coffee. To his credit he is great at showing non-human like affection (text, facebook, email). Well a month is long enough.......OVER.

So we have come full circle.........I have no one.......and truthfully it hurts....it hurts bad........can't even make a joke about it.........I feel like Scarlett bending in the dirty...

I anticipate this blog being my creative and emotional outlet. I must warn you, I am a terrible spelling and seldom proof read. I hope to entertain you but I am not being paid so you get what you get. Please post as many comments as you like and if you need advice, just ask. My life is a mess but I am good at fixing others.....Till we meet again...